So I haven't been writing lately, because I have felt that I have nothing to say. I felt like God hasn't really been telling me anything, or showing me anything new. Then I thought a little bit more. Well, maybe He hasn't been showing me anything because I haven't been asking Him to. What a concept, right? I mean, how's He to show me something if I don't let Him?
A while back, I remember writing something like: If you ask God for something, expect to get it. (That's not a direct quote - I don't know what I said exactly.) I meant don't ask Him for, for example, patience, unless you are willing to have to work to get it.
That's what was going through my head, I think. But I was thinking the wrong way. When I said that, I didn't mean "If you don't want to work for something, then don't ask God to give it to you." That would not be any help to you at all. I should have been more clear (to myself), compelling myself to change my attitude towards growing in Him. We should want to grow in Christ. We should want to become closer to our beautiful Savior. We should want to do His will with all of our hearts. Shouldn't we?
So I was asking myself why I am not feeling close to God. Why don't I feel moved to do as He commands? Well, maybe because I didn't want to. I don't really think that I wanted to give up control of my life.
I can't count the times that I have been moved by the Holy Spirit's presence. There have been times when I have just been on my knees crying, pleading for my Savior to take the wheel. And I would feel moved toward Him all that week, or maybe that month. But when that month was over, I would just fall into a routine. I wouldn't really care if I read my Bible or not. I would just kind of read through it to get it over with, to stop that nagging voice in my head. Then I would stop reading it all together. I would still pray every night, but I would very rarely pay attention to the words coming out of my mouth.
Then I would start disobeying God, intentionally. He has been getting onto me about some of the books I read. They are books that a lot of people have read, and books that I have read, but as I was reading them, I was caring less and less about what my Savior had to say to me. I soon became calloused to His voice. I was no longer feeling as guilty about reading these books. I found myself thinking disgusting things. I found myself not caring about other people's needs.
On the outside, there was no change in me, but on the inside, I was becoming quite horrible. If you looked at me on a daily basis, you would see a good little Christian girl who always went to church and always served others and always thought of others before herself. If you had looked in my mind, you would have been taken back at how very different I really was from that girl you saw at school. Now that I am looking at my attitude of the past month or so, I can't believe that I didn't realize it until tonight! I am so ashamed of myself. I can't believe that I have been so uncaring toward my Lord and Savior!
Think about your prayer life. Do you have one? Is it healthy? Or are you just going through the motions? Do you really care what God has to say to you? Do you really want an amazing relationship with the One who took your sins? Or are you just trying to get out of Hell? Are you just trying to pass with a "C"? Try to shoot for A+ + +.
"32Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven.
33But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven." Matthew 10:32-33
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